Authentic Apologies

While working as part of a team, myself and a teammate of color were performing similar jobs. During a  meeting the boss asked us the same questions but in very different tones and levels of aggression. When confronted with this inequitable behavior as a form of racism, the response was, "I'm sorry you misunderstood me" and a lengthy defensive email about why it couldn't have been racism. This is not an authentic apology. 

Authentic apologies are characterized by genuine acknowledgment of wrongdoing, sincere regret, and a commitment to making amends. They involve a clear recognition of the harm caused, an understanding of the impact on the affected individuals, and a willingness to take responsibility and change behavior. An authentic apology often includes specific steps for rectification and seeks to rebuild trust through transparent actions and ongoing effort. 

In contrast, inauthentic apologies may appear superficial or formulaic, lacking a real understanding of the issue or the depth of the harm inflicted. These apologies often focus more on defending oneself or minimizing the problem rather than addressing the actual impact. They may use vague language, offer excuses, or fail to outline concrete steps for improvement. 

Ultimately, while an authentic apology fosters healing and reconciliation, an inauthentic one can perpetuate misunderstandings and further damage relationships, revealing a reluctance to fully engage with the consequences of one’s actions.

Good Intentions Do Not Excuse Racist Comments

I was in conversation with white woman about racism. She seemed well informed, conscious of the privilege she had that others did not, and willing to acknowledge her own part in the system. 

As we conversed she said, "I see everyone as white."

This is a variation of the sentiment "I don't see color." It is problematic by setting up white as the norm and assumes everyone wants to be and should be seen according to that norm. It erases a part of their identity and denies white as a color. For a more in depth look at the harmful nature of these statements, there are many books and articles to help you better understand. 

My objective in mentioning this experience here is to remind us that while we may have good intentions when we say or do a particular thing, the impact can be vastly different. We must acknowledge when we make a mistake and seek to repair damage. AND we must continually examine ourselves, our assumptions, and how we can easily come from a place of white supremacy even when trying to be equitable.

Excerpt from "Nice Racism" by Robin DiAngelo

 "When spiritual white progressives refuse to acknowledge racism and white supremacy in the hear and now by continually moving the conversation to an enlightened level we have not yet achieved and a realm we do not occupy, they engage in denial. While we may all be one on another plane we have not yet seen, we are certainly not all one on the physical plane we actually reside."

This statement critiques the tendency of some spiritually inclined white progressives to deflect discussions of contemporary racism and white supremacy by shifting the conversation to an abstract, idealistic level. By focusing on an unattained, "enlightened" state of unity—where racial differences and injustices are transcended—these individuals may inadvertently deny the pressing and tangible issues of racial inequality that persist in the present. This form of denial serves to sidestep the real and urgent work needed to address systemic racism on the physical plane we currently inhabit. The statement underscores a critical point: while philosophical or spiritual aspirations of unity and oneness can be valuable, they should not overshadow or replace the immediate, concrete efforts required to address and dismantle the racial inequities that affect people’s lives today. True progress requires acknowledging and confronting these realities in the here and now, rather than postponing action to a hypothetical future state of enlightenment.

Whatever our beliefs, we cannot ignore what is currently happening and the ways each of us perpetuate that reality. Things on this plane of existence don't change because there is a higher plane of existence we can achieve. They change because we face truth, even the truth of ourselves, and allow that truth to move us to action.